Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This Will Be Wordy And Random

I see and observe others in various environments. I watch and I listen. It's what I do. I learn from other people's experiences therefore learn from their mistakes. Every situation that I am faced with, I choose the best outcome which usually ends up being different to other situations I have seen before. What may seem like the best answer to me, is not the best answer for someone else. I'm afraid of these hardships. I'm afraid of the troubles. Some would say that going through all the hardships and troubles was the best thing that could've happened to them.

There are some things that aren't meant to be shared with others, especially if you're telling that one person something that directs to them. They could take it as a positive or they could take it as a negative. It's 50/50. I always make the mistake of telling people what someone has said about them. I'm not talking about gossip. Just small questions or comments that involve that person in some way. To me, it's a simple question. To others, it questions their character and tells them in what way others see them. Unfortunately, most things that people ask me will always be seen as a negative by the person whom they are asking a question about.

You know how you see couples walking down the street? The ones that are hand in hand, talking and laughing with each other, both of them with bright smiles on their face? You see them and you wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship like that. Lots of smiles, laughter, and hugs. You think about being in a relationship, but you can't picture yourself in one. For some reason, putting yourself in that position doesn't fit well with you, or at least that's what you think. It seems to come easy to other people, but being in it yourself scares you. I am scared. I can't see myself in that way. As that girl who happily walks with him, laughing at his jokes, gripping his arm close to me as a sign to others that he is mine. I'm afraid that I will reject every opportunity that faces me. I'm already rejecting them now.

I've always been a private person. I keep a lot of details about me inside, so hardly anyone knows that much about me. There are others who like to talk about themselves. They tell stories from their childhood to stories that reveal secrets that they have kept for years. They're the people who like talking about their lives. I admit, it feels sort of liberating let others know things about you. It's freeing to talk. But, I've learned that talking hasn't been beneficial for me and now I am stuck with keeping everything inside. All throughout high school, I rarely talked, much less talk about myself. In college, I slipped out a few non-important things (to me anyways) about me because I thought I could confide in the people who I thought were my close friends. Hearing those whispers behind my back, the jokes, hurt. Since then, I found that I can't trust anyone. No one these days know anything about keeping secrets. Everyone loves the "gossip."

There are some stories that should never be told. I’ve always found an interest in what happens in people’s lives, but there are some things that I wish I didn’t hear. It upsets me the most when you think it will not affect you at all and it ends up hurting you more than you thought it would. And the more you think about it, the more pain you feel. The more you think about it, the more you want to forget about the whole thing. The more you want to forget, the more irrational things you end up doing. All from a story that has nothing to do with you and yet, it does.

I think a lot about what life would be like if I had gone to school with a different major. Schools only give you so much time to settle on something; settle before you even try all of their options. With a specialized school, those options are limited. I love art. For a long time, I thought I would grow up to be a graphic designer, an animator, a cartoonist, something that dealt with the arts, and then I quickly changed directions. What I'm studying now is something that I wouldn't say I love, but it's interesting. Will interesting keep me interested? I have no idea.


At July 30, 2009 at 11:05 PM , Blogger Alyssa said...

My darling, darling little Asian:

I can't believe that anyone would ever laugh about you behind your back. You're too wonderful and kind and adorable to ever have someone make fun of you. People suck. I'm sorry that your trust in people got all blocked up. If I were with you now, I'd give you a huge hug and give you the happiest cookie I could find. And if you don't like people joking about things, tell them straight out. Sometimes it works and they get to feel bad and you win (I know from experience).

As for the art bit, don't you go to school near WAM? Take classes. It seems like quite a bit of moolah for some of them, but they're so fun and worth it. (Namely, take classes with Andy Fish. He's the man.) What are you majoring in?


At August 11, 2009 at 3:12 PM , Anonymous Tong said...

Hey, I saw the link to your blog from your Soompi profile =). Anyways, just want to comment on this post:

I've had much of the same feelings you've had. Most of the time I see couples, I'm just like 'yea w/e' even though it does bother me a bit on the inside. Truth be told, I'm not sure how I would ever cope with commitment to anyone and I'm 21 already =(. Also I am a very conservative and reserved person as well. I don't talk much, especially about myself. Mostly because I don't find myself as interesting as others. Everyone always seems to be more interesting than me. Yeah you can't trust anyone either. The only ones I trust are my family members because they raised me.

Anyways, nice post.


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