Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Doh Doh Doh I'm A Sexy Lady

Current Mood: Carefree... for now
Currently Playing: "도도 (Doh Doh)" by Mina

This creative writing course makes me want to write more things, except I'm not really good at anything. Haha. I like some of my concepts, but depending on how you read it, people may not like it.

I was looking back on this short paragraph I wrote over the summer. It seemed really cool at first and to me, but when I started thinking about it from a third person's point of view, they won't like certain things I did, such as lots of short sentences or overuse of semi-colons. Most things I write are supposed to sound like thoughts and less like narrations, which may explain the short sentences and weird fragments. Oh well, people have their tastes.

I haven't edited this paragraph since I wrote it. Only small things like tenses or typos. I tried converting it into a poem so it's somewhat suitable for class, but it just looks stupid.

The more I read it, the more I start to dislike it.

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I can feel his breathing upon my neck. There’s not enough space between him and I. The person to my right slowly wipes her nose with her index finger pointing at me, sniffling quietly. Someone behind me coughs; another clears his throat. There is no such thing as silence in this place. A hum is constant. The air is getting hot. My eyes are shifting from side to side, observing the people around me. I feel everyone getting uncomfortable; getting agitated. There are no windows; no sunlight; no wind. I can feel myself getting light-headed. Black walls enclose my eyes. I blink frantically to get rid of them. I feel myself hallucinating. If that man rubs up against my back again, I swear I’ll kill him. Just one swift flick of the wrist and his neck will give out underneath the pressure of my fingers. The sound of his last gasp of life will echo and reverberate in my ears, giving me the utmost satisfaction. A bell rings loudly. The elevator door opens and everyone floods out, taking in a deep breath as they leave.

2 Comments:

At November 4, 2009 at 1:03 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

its pretty good sam, i think.

i would only change a few things.
"I can feel myself getting light-headed." i would change to "I am light-headed" or "light-headedness is over-coming me" my reasoning is the classic English teacher reason: showing rather telling stuff. Oh, i just realized i'm still telling in my revision so... don't pay attention to ben, he doesn't know what he's talking about very late at night while reading poetry. also, its your work, poetry is what you make it...not what i make it.

 
At November 4, 2009 at 7:55 AM , Blogger Samantha said...

What are you doing at 1:03am?!

Anyways, thanks. I'll take what you said into consideration.

 

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